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Movie – Devo Mein Dev Shanidev
Fw: BEST EMAIL OF THIS YEAR – Talk To Your Self
BEST EMAIL OF THIS YEAR – Talk To Your Self
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The Bible according to Children
The cute statements below are said to have been written by actual students and are genuine, authentic and not retouched or corrected:
v In the first book of the Bible, Guinessis, God got tired of creating the world, so he took the Sabbath off.
v Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree.
v Noah’s wife was called Joan of Ark.
v Noah built an ark, which the animals come on to in pears.
v Lot‘s wife was a pillar of salt by day, but a ball of fire by night.
v Samson was a strongman who let himself be led astray by a Jezebel like Delilah.
v Samson slayed the Philistines with the axe of the Apostles.
v Moses led the Hebrews to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread which is bread without any ingredients.
v The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert.
v Afterwards, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten amendments.
v The first commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple.
v The fifth commandment is to humor thy father and mother.
v The seventh commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery.
v Moses died before he ever reached Canada.
v Then Joshua led the Hebrews in the battle of Geritol.
v The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him.
v David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar.
v He fought with the Finklesteins, a race of people who lived in Biblical times.
v Solomon, one of David’s sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.
v When Mary heard that she was the mother of Jesus, she sang the Magna Carta.
v When the three wise guys from the east side arrived, they found Jesus in the manager.
v Jesus was born because Mary had an immaculate contraption.
v St. John, the blacksmith, dumped water on his head.
v Jesus enunciated the Golden Rule, which says to do one to others before they do one to you.
v He also explained, “A man doth not live by sweat alone.”
v The people who followed the Lord were called the 12 decibels.
v The epistles were the wives of the apostles.
v One of the opossums was St. Matthew who was also a taximan.
v St. Paul cavorted to Christianity. He preached holy acrimony, which is another name for marriage.
v A Christian should have only one spouse. This is called monotony.
v Salome was a woman who danced naked in front of Harrods.
v The Pope lives in a vacuum.
v Paraffin is next in order after seraphim.
v Today wild beasts are confined to Theological Gardens.
v The patron saint of travellers is St. Frances of the sea sick.
v A republican is a sinner mentioned in the Bible.
v Abraham begat Isaac and begat Jacob and Jacob begat twelve partridges.
v It is sometimes difficult to hear what is being said in church because the agnostics are so terrible.
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Type Of Girls – Computer’s View
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| HARD DISK GIRLS: | She remembers everything, FOREVER |
| RAM GIRLS: | She forget about you, the moment turn her off |
| WINDOW GIRLS: | Everyone knows that she can’t do a thing right, but no one can live without her. |
| SCREENSAVER GIRLS: | She is good for nothing but at least she is fun |
| INTERNET GIRLS: | Difficult to access |
| SERVER GIRLS: | Always busy when you need her. |
| MULTIMEDIA GIRLS: | She make horrible thing look beautiful |
| CD-ROM GIRLS: | She is always faster and faster. |
| EMAIL GIRLS: | Every ten things she says, eight are nonsense. |
| VIRUS GIRLS: | Also known as “wife” when you are not expecting her, she comes, installs herself and uses all your resources. If you try to uninstall her you will lose something, if don’t try uninstalling her you will lose everything… |
| APOLOGY FRM GIRLS!!!!!! | |
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Funny – Stupid Signs
Stupid Signs
At a Santa Fe gas station:
“We will sell gasoline to anyone in a glass container.”
In a New York restaurant:
“Customers who consider our waitresses uncivil ought to see the manager.”
On the wall of a Baltimore estate:
“Trespassers will be prosecuted to the full extent of the law. — Sisters of Mercy”
On a long-established New Mexico dry cleaners:
“38 years on the same spot.”
In a Los Angeles dance hall:
“Good clean dancing every night but Sunday.”
In a Florida maternity ward:
“No children allowed.”
In a New York drugstore:
“We dispense with accuracy.”
In the offices of a loan company:
“Ask about our plans for owning your home.”
In a New York medical building:
“Mental Health Prevention Center”
On a New York convalescent home:
“For the sick and tired of the Episcopal Church.”
On a Maine shop:
“Our motto is to give our customers the lowest possible prices and workmanship.”
At a number of military bases:
“Restricted to unauthorized personnel.”
On a display of “I love you only” Valentine cards:
“Now available in multi-packs.”
In a funeral parlor:
“Ask about our layaway plan.”
In a clothing store:
“Wonderful bargains for men with 16 and 17 necks.”
In a Tacoma, Washington men’s clothing store:
“15 men’s wool suits, $10. They won’t last an hour!”
On a shopping mall marquee:
“Archery Tournament — Ears pierced”
Outside a country shop:
“We buy junk and sell antiques.”
In the window of an Oregon store:
“Why go elsewhere and be cheated when you can come here?”
In a Maine restaurant:
“Open 7 days a week and weekends.”
In the vestry of a New England church:
“Will the last person to leave please see that the perpetual light is extinguished.”
In a Pennsylvania cemetery:
“Persons are prohibited from picking flowers from any but their own graves.”
On a roller coaster:
“Watch your head.”
On the grounds of a public school:
“No trespassing without permission.”
On a Tennessee highway:
“When this sign is under water, this road is impassable.”
Similarly, in front of a New Hampshire car wash:
“If you can’t read this, it’s time to wash your car.”
And apparently, somewhere in England in an open field otherwise untouched by human presence, there is a sign that says:
“Do not throw stones at this sign.”
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STILL Proud to be INDIAN?
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Salary & Govt. Concessions for a Member of Parliament (MP)
TOTAL expense for a MP [having no qualification] per year: 32, 00,000 [i.e . . . 2.66 lakh /month]
For 534 MPs, the expense for 5 years: 8,54,40,00,000 (nearly 855 cores)
And this is the present condition of our country:
  855 crores could make their life livable!! Think of the great democracy we have………….
STILL Proud to be INDIAN??? |
Funny but actual answering machine messages
 These are funny but actual answering machine messages and answers recorded and verified by the World Famous International Institute of Answering Machine Answers.
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SILLY COMPUTER ACRONYMS
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| PCMCIA: | People Can’t Memorize Computer Industry Acronyms |
| ISDN: | It Still Does Nothing |
| APPLE: | Arrogance Produces Profit-Losing Entity |
| SCSI: | System Can’t See It |
| DOS: | Defective Operating System |
| BASIC: | Bill’s Attempt to Seize Industry Control |
| IBM: | I Blame Microsoft |
| DEC: | Do Expect Cuts |
| CD-ROM: | Consumer Device – Rendered Obsolete in Months |
| OS/2: | Obsolete Soon, Too. |
| WWW: | World Wide Wait |
| MACINTOSH: | Most Applications Crash; If Not, The Operating System Hangs |
| PENTIUM: | Produces Erroneous Numbers Thru Incorrect Understanding of Mathematics |
| AMIGA: | A Merely Insignificant Game Addiction |
| LISP: | Lots of Infuriating & Silly Parentheses |
| MIPS: | Meaningless Indication of Processor Speed |
| WINDOWS: | Will Install Needless Data On Whole System |
| MICROSOFT: | Most Intelligent Customers Realize Our Software Only Fools Teenagers |
| RISC: | Reduced Into Silly Code |
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Top Ten Reasons Why Computers Are Males
- They have a lot of data but are still clueless.
- A better model is always just around the corner.
- They look nice and shiny until you bring them home.
- It is always necessary to have a backup.
- They’ll do whatever you say if you push the right buttons.
- The best part of having either one is the games you can play.
- In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
- The lights are on but nobody’s home.
- Big power surges knock them out for the night.
- Size does matter
The Top Six Reasons Why Computers Are Female:
- As soon as you have one, a better one is just around the corner.
- No one but the creator understands the internal logic.
- Even your smallest mistakes are immediately committed to memory for future reference.
- The native language used to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
- The message “Bad Command or File Name” is about as informative as “If you don’t know why I’m mad at you, then I’m certainly not going to tell you.”
- As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half of your wages on accessories for it.
One Liners
Regular naps prevent old age, especially if you take them while driving.
Having one child makes you a parent; having two you are a referee.
Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right and the other is the husband !
I believe we should all pay our tax with a smile. I tried – but they wanted cash.
A child’s greatest period of growth is the month after you’ve purchased new school uniforms.
Don’t feel bad. A lot of people have no talent.
Don’t marry the person you want to live with, marry the one you cannot live without, but whatever you do, you’ll regret it later.
You can’t buy love, but you pay heavily for it.
Bad officials are elected by good citizens who do not vote.
Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.
Marriage is give and take. You’d better give it to her or she’ll take it anyway.
The wife and her Husband always compromise. Husband admit that he’s wrong and she agrees with him.
Those who can’t laugh at themselves leave the job to others.
Ladies first.. Pretty ladies sooner..
A successful marriage requires falling in love many times, always with the same person.
You’re getting old when you enjoy remembering things more than doing them.
It doesn’t matter how often a married man changes his job, he still ends up with the same boss.
Real friends are the ones who survive transitions between address books.
Saving is the best thing. Especially when your parents have done it for you.
Wise men talk because they have something to say; fools talk because they have to say something.
They call our language the mother tongue because the father seldom gets to speak!
Expensive fertilizers that do nothing for your grass will give you the most gorgeous weeds you ever saw.
People are more violently opposed to fur than to leather because it’s safer to harass rich women than motorcycle gangs.
Newly divorced woman explaining reason for splitting: We had religious differences – he thought he was God, I didn’t.
A teenage boy to his father: Here’s my report card and a list I’ve compiled of entrepreneurs who never finished their High School.
The math teacher saw that little Johnny wasn’t paying attention in class.
She called on him and said, ” Johnny! What are 4, 2, 28 and 44?”
Little Johnny quickly replied, “Cartoon Network, Ten Sports, Discovery Channel and Pogo!”
A cute Nurse came 4 the interview.
Dr: What salary U expect?
Nurse: Rs.10,000.
Dr was overjoyed & said: My Pleasure.
Nurse: With pleasure it’s 25,000
Easiest way to die:
1. Have a cigar daily – you will die 10 years early.
2. Have drinks daily – you will die 30 years early.
3. But love someone truly – you will die daily!
What would confuse a mentally challenged person?
Answer: A pineapple.
Confused…? I knew you would be!
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How to catch a squirrel?
Climb up a tree and just be yourself. Squirrels will come to you on their own. Because they just love NUTS!
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